Hope you’re sitting down, because we have some huge news! Love is in the air, the wedding bells are clanging, and cupid’s quivering is empty today, because the two people who bullied you in high school simply announced that they’re getting married !!!
Wow! The two people who induced your life an unremitting inferno seem blissfully happy in their involvement photo, like they don’t even recollect spreading the rumor that the reason your acne was so bad freshman time was because you had chlamydia!
What constructs this fairy tale truly incredible is that the two people who would await by your locker every morning to taunt your attire and once sold you a bottle of “tequila” junior year that was actually merely urine, totally lost touch after high school, but then fate intervened during a chance meet at a coffee shop. It may have been a decade ago that they mocked your mothers for being too poor to buy you a auto of your own or squirted Mountain Dew on your crotch at lunch to make it look like you peed yourself, but according to their Facebook post announcing the news, it was like no time had passed at all!
But that’s not the only magical part of this love story: Your two bullies are getting married in your hometown, and they are inviting a bunch of the other assholes and dickheads who built your adolescence inferno, including your best friend in elementary school who altogether abandoned you when they made puberty and get hot. Even the educator who did absolutely nothing after you told him about how much you were being tormented is on the guest listing! The reception is being held at the local country club, where all the guests will reminisce about high school but not feel any repentance for the shit they put you through and still refer to you as “Meatball” whenever you come up in a story.
If they remembered your real name, they are likely would have invited you as a prank!
Wow, what an amazing narrative of love, and we wish the best of luck to your high school bullies in their new life together. If the two people who stimulated you shake with nervousnes on the school bus every day from age 14 to 18 can find love, maybe there is hope for the rest of us!